This post is for women with cheating men in their lives. I’ll explain why later. The New Zealand Herald reported a couple of years ago that nearly one in three (29%) married New Zealanders has had an affair. This was according to a survey done by New Zealand Woman’s Weekly magazine, in conjunction with Colmar Brunton, in 2011.
The same results also showed women under 30 were more likely to walk out of a relationship if their partner had an affair.
The Colmar Brunton survey (2013) also found that 81% of adults admitted cheating of some kind, including 22% in the workplace.
The same poll found that 36% respondents admitted to having cheated in a relationship.
Relationships Aotearoa national director of clinical services, Cary Hayward, said back then that infidelity was a well-researched area of human behaviour, with infidelity rates varying from below 10% to 40%, and males typically being the worst culprits.
Now, I’d be the first to admit that surveys can be interpreted in all sorts of ways to make it look any way we want.
But, irrespective of how you skin this cat, we have to admit the fact that when a third (and up) of a people are cheating on their partners in some way or another, it’s going to leave a mark.
And when men are leading the charge, not only does that impact the immediate family situation but also society, in my opinion.
When we are surrounded by male role models screwing around without second thought, not only does it hurt families and perpetuate this sad behaviour, it also reinforces the stigma of women being inferior to men in that they can be treated as commodities.
But, that’s a debate for another day.
Now, I know that women cheat also, and it’s equally sad.
But, experts tell us that women tend to be far more on the receiving end of cheating men having affairs.
Part of the reason could be that men tend to rationalise and consider having an affair as a valid option for when they’re unhappy in their current relationship.
This is quite different from how women deal with relationship issues.
In my experience coaching people, women generally tend to make an appointment with a professional to talk about their unhappiness and unfulfilling relationship in order to deal with it.
Or they chat with their grandma, mum, sister, or girlfriend.
Women don’t tend to see having an affair as a way to deal with dissatisfaction in the relationship.
They talk about it with someone first.
Conversely, Kiwi men tend NOT to open up and talk about their feelings, which means they bottle it up.
But these bottled up feelings of frustration, lack of fulfilment, or being unhappy eventually come out in a few ways.
Substance abuse would be one way. Alcohol being a fan favourite.
Anger issues and/or violent behaviour (including domestic) are also commonplace in New Zealand society.
Suicide is another sad but huge reality for Kiwi men (especially under 35 years old).
And cheating on partners.
It’s only when New Zealand men hit rock bottom (end up in court or their GPs office with depression), or they are caught out and their partners give them an ultimatum to seek help, that they end up in the counselling room.
Adding to this, according to the New Zealand website Depression.org, men (tāne) don’t tend to talk about their mental health (feeling depressed, unhappy, angry etc.) and can be slow to get help.
Part of this could be that they might think society expects them to handle the problem themselves or ‘harden up’ and get over it.
So, even though focusing on men would be a good idea, as they need it just as much, it’s most likely women who would be reading this.
That’s why I decided to bring women a series of posts on how to keep your man from cheating.
Maybe I can reach your man through you.
Now, as far as destructive forces in relationships go, cheating or having an affair is probably at the top of the list.
It’s a tough one to come back from.
Abuse would be a close second I would say.
One of the most difficult things for a woman to face about her man is that he might be cheating.
She knows when he’s abusive, not a good provider, lazy, uninterested or not a good catch.
That is something obvious to deal with.
But, when he’s cheating it often comes out of left field and hits her quite unexpectedly in the gut.
Now, the point of this post is to give you a tool that can help you avoid this nasty surprise.
The plan is to bring you some strategies in future posts for keeping him from cheating, but we first need to assess your situation.
Since it is so commonplace today, how can you tell whether your man is having an affair or not?
Are there signs of cheating, and what are they?
The reality is that before you can catch a cheater, you need to know the signs that he is having an affair.
Fortunately, cheating men have similar patterns that make it easier to know he is cheating on you.
And I’ve created a simple quiz below to help you learn the signs that he is possibly having an affair, which you can take for free.
Once you have done the quiz, remember to bookmark or follow this blog to get updated when any new posts are released.
We will look at strategies on how to keep him from cheating.
Live and love fully!
PS. If you want to make a start, get my eGuide “Overcoming Infidelity” on sale here now.